Trust

2024 Word the Year: TRUST

Trust God. 

Trust people.

Trust myself. 

Trust the process. 

Trust. 

Build it. Maintain it. Form it. Mold it. Develop it. Invest in it. Use discernment for it. Grow it. 

This word the year is an accumulation of so many other words I've focused on over the years. It's a word that is scary, yet appropriate. It's one that I continue to cultivate and that though will continue to be an area of concern, one that doesn't need to be ignored. 

This sums it up so well--trusting someone is intentionally choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions. I saw a brief video the other day where someone discussed the difference between transparency and vulnerability--from what I recall, transparency is saying "I had a bad day". Vulnerability includes a few more details such as "I had a bad day and yelled at someone". With that added information, someone--at any time--can throw that back in your face or can judge you or hurt you with that information. Trust and vulnerability must be used wisely and with discernment (2023 word of the year). 

Building Trust

-With Others

I love Brene Brown's research on trust. Building trust is particularly built-in mini moments--those small, ordinary, day-to-day things. One of the things that I love most about her work is that she doesn't give step-by-step instructions--she explains that's not really a thing when it comes to trust, authenticity, vulnerability, and the process of creating and owning our stories. Her acronym of BRAVING is a really helpful guide though to better gauge whether am I being trustworthy? Is this person being trustworthy? And when I really hold back--am I noticing something being done that isn't contributing to trust being built? 

Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. That's the scariest sentence when put into practice. Not everyone gets to hear our story. Know who our safe people are; use wisdom and discernment. 

-With Myself

Some of it is building a relationship with myself. Which is weird, because I actually spend a lot of time with myself and I actually enjoy myself. I don't frequently have self-critical thoughts, but man when they come--they come hard. And they stay for a while, sometimes as a welcomed guest, sometimes as an unwelcomed guest. Out of all the areas of trust that I have difficulty with, I've actually realized that trusting myself is the most difficult. It's significantly easier for me to trust God and even to trust other people than it is for me to trust myself. 

I'm really good at encouraging and validating others. I'm decently good at encouraging myself. But validating myself, listening to my emotions and my body, and believing I'm good enough as is. That's a struggle. 

I fully believe that God loves me--I don't necessarily struggle with that. I am most at peace when I lean into Him, for sure. But I also think it's important to trust myself and to love myself, 

-With God

These last few months, I've been able to grow even deeper in my relationship with God. The more time I spend with Him, whether it be in prayer, solitude, in His Word, with worship music, the sanctity of friendships, or at church, bible study, or discipleship group, the more at peace I have been. His Spirit of peace and knowing His presence is within me and around me builds trust. As I read His promises, as I share my struggles, as I increase my honesty with Him, and as I increase my honesty with other believers--my trust in God grows. God loves me and is for me. He won't lead me astray and He'll never leave me. God is good and God is love. The gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit and the gentle roar of the Lion and the gentle grace of a dove and a lamb, always reliable, always there, always for me. Trust God and know God. 

Trust God, trust people, trust myself. 

Iron Sharpens Iron

 “As iron sharpens iron, so does one person do for another” Proverbs 27:17 

Awhile back a friend reminded me of that and they said “..and there may be some cuts in there. Hopefully they are few and far between and hopefully they aren’t too deep, but there will be cuts.” 

Healthy relationships recognize the humanity aspect—and that’s really been on my heart lately. 

I was talking with someone recently and they talked about the importance of grace, love, truth, and acceptance within a relationship. They can “take a sin with love”. 

They gave the example of a married pastor in a church has even just one safe person that they are willing to say “Hey, there’s this person who has been flirting with me and I like the attention and it makes me feel good and I am attracted to them.” To be that honest and vulnerable about a situation and how it made them feel even if it’s “wrong”. And to actually be heard and loved and received. And then as I say “love people enough to go to them and meet them wherever they are…and love them enough to not let them stay there.” 

To have relationships like that. We need these. Can you imagine if this was a staple? In the Church and in the world. How much heartache that would save so many people. To be real about a situation and about your feelings about it. And then to be met with love and grace and acceptance. Wholeheartedly. 

Why don’t we do this? The overall answer is that we are human. Some people, I have learned, are actually well practiced at this. (Yes, there are real people who really love people deeply and are well practiced in forgiveness!) For the vast majority though, I think part of it may be fear of rejection and shame on the side of a person sharing. And for the person hearing/receiving the news—confused and scared. 

It’s a practice. And one that we will get wrong at times and there will be cuts. It’s a practice to hear something from someone that you don’t like or agree with and respond with love and grace. It’s a practice to share something and not knowing how that person will respond. 

Sometimes we will choose to put our walls up instead. Sometimes that’ll be wise and the discerning thing to do; other times it’ll be because we aren’t able to get past the fear. 

Thank goodness we have the best example of all of this in Jesus. A friend of sinners, who loves deeply and wholly. Who shares Himself fully and honestly. Who welcomes us back over and over again. What a good, good God we have. 

Washing Feet and Slicing Ears

On Jesus's last night before the cross, He washed feet. He. Washed. Feet. His last night. He served people. 

And on His last night, after Peter sliced the ear off of a guard, and after He was betrayed. Jesus heals the guy His disciple and friend wounded. 

The story of Jesus is wild. Becoming more like Jesus is hard. It's a radical shift in living and more and more I'm looking to Jesus and saying I'm a mere human and I really need you. 

The other day I was trying to pray for someone who I really don't like. And you know what happened? I couldn't. I literally could not. I didn't like them and I couldn't get past it. And you know how God responded? Just as Romans 8:26-27 tells us--the Holy Spirit interceded on my behalf and it was wild and beautiful and lovely. There wasn't shame. There was gentleness and understanding and a love so deep that loved me enough to meet me where I was and to love me enough to bring me out of the darkness.

I'm still somewhat in the darkness, but it's becoming a bit of a dim light now. 

I'm not always going to be up to washing people's feet or loving people or being kind. Sometimes, I'm going to cheer on the slicing of someone's ear. I also know....sometimes I'm the one doing the slicing. Sometimes, I get really mad and that anger stays with me longer than it should. Sometimes I get mean and when I get mean, it's no good. And every time. Every time. The Holy Spirit prompts me and intercedes and wraps me up in love and says My child, My Love. Abide in me. Turn to me and I will give you rest. A love that forgives me wholly and doesn't shame me and encourages me to continue to seek alignment with the good God that I serve. His is a love that never leaves, never forsakes, and always endures. Even if, even when, even then. It's not a love that isn't just, it's a love that is just and merciful and beautiful and one that only God provides. 

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. 

 Patrick Mayberry: "How You Love Me"

What Ails You, My Child

What ails you, my child? 

Child. Daughter. Loved one. That’s what I hear from my Abba. 

And the other night. I heard him gently whisper this question and I leaned into him. And tears came. 

I asked if I had to say it. Yes. To know you are still loved. To believe you are still loved. Tell me so you can know the relief to share your worries and still be loved. 

My child. You are still being pruned. And you are allowing me to do it. You are leaning into my love and trusting me. You are loved by me, always. 

I know and I believe that part. It’s the part that other humans won’t. That they’ll learn how mean, critical, judgmental, rude, arrogant, prideful, hurtful, I actually am. That they’ll see that part and turn their back on me. That they won’t love me through the process. What if they leave me while I’m still learning to love well? 

Child. I won’t let you be alone. I love you. 

Is it okay for me to still be worried I won’t be loved by people while I learn and am being pruned? 

Keep allowing me to prune and to convict. And keep trusting others. I love you and I got you. You’re made to do life with others. Don’t hold back too much from them. They’ll show up for you. 

Can I stay here a little longer? Just you and me? 

Of course. 

Thank you, Abba. 

I love you, my child. 

Sanctification

Lord, my God. You are good. You are wise. You are King. Holy, holy, holy are you. Thank you. Thank you for the reminder of the process of sanctification. I'm still being pruned and you love me through it all. 

You are a God of compassion, of justice, of holiness, of connection, and of intimacy. You are the God who stays through every struggle, every trial, and the messiness and tensions. A God who loves forever and ever and ever. Always. Even if. Even when. A God who will always and forever love me. Always. No matter what. Thank you. 

Lord God, you are good. You are holy. Holy, holy, holy, holy, holy, holy are you. I want to continue to lean into the sanctification process and know that I am loved and cherished throughout it. Continue to remind me that the job of sanctification is one of the Holy Spirit, and my job is to love people. To love and lean into grace. For those who you tell me, with truth and in alignment with Scriptures, but ultimately to believe that you are the final judge. To know that you are holy, your holiness will not be made a mockery of, and You will be just. You are a good God and I love you. Thank you for loving me, through it all. In your name, Amen. 

Above are a combination of prayers I've had over the last few days. 

The other day the word "sanctification" came up in conversation and I've been reflecting a lot on it. I've realized I have tried to take on the role of sanctifying others in the past. I care about justice, I care about people doing the right things, I care about Christians being true Christ followers, I care about Christ being evident in Christian lives, I care about Christians being set apart from the world--where our lives truly look different and people ask why, and we point towards Christ. 

In doing so though, I lose sight of Christ and become a judge. I've shared before that leaning into the tension of grace and truth and being in the midst of the messy middle isn't easy. And I've had times where I have chosen to put actions before love. I look at people, especially Christians, and think "That's wrong". "They aren't doing it right." "That's not honoring Christ." "That's not the most right thing." "That's the way of the world. What are you doing? Why aren't you different from the world right now?" And while in some ways I'm not necessarily wrong, the Holy Spirit has been gently and lovingly reminding me. Ash. That's my job. Sanctification is a process that is mine to do. Your job is to love. And I'll let you know when I need you to call people out and hold them gently accountable in alignment with the gospel. But above all, love. Love people. Love, love, love. Even when you think they are wrong and you know I'm grieved over their choices. Love them. Love them, love them, love them. And trust me. Trust that I am good. Trust that I am God. Trust that I am holy and all of my people are called to be holy, but that is my job to bring them into me. Your job is to love. Love with compassion and wholeheartedly. Love them, my dear child. Just as I have loved you through your hurtful decisions. I love you, Ashley. 

This song by Phil Wickham, "The Jesus Way", just dropped and I'm obsessed. What a reminder to do things "The Jesus Way". 

Being Human

The other day I said to my friend Ha my childhood was pretty great so I feel like I have no excuse for my issues. 

And in her beauty and wisdom and wonderfulness, she said, Your excuse is that you're human!

Part of the text exchange is here--

It's been a few days and I've been totally contemplating more about being a human. Not in the existential or philosophical way, but in the very real way of....what it means to be human. It's helped me look even more closely at Jesus and His humanity. 

The fact that the God of the universe chose to meet us exactly where we were at within all of our humanity is wild. The love of Jesus is incredible, the more I examine it. 

Anyways, back to my issues. I have lots of issues--I started writing them here and then quickly deleted them, because we don't need to go into that--but, on top of the issues, I then feel extreme guilt (and sometimes, shame) because I never felt like I had a reason to be the way I am. And so when my friend was just like, dude, you're a human. And in such a kind, nonchalant way. It's led me to really sit back and be like. Oh. 

Being a human includes the wrestling and the doubts and the questions and the worries and the confusion and the jealousy and the mistrust and the frustration and so on and so forth. 

Funny enough, the song that just came on is "Image of God" by We Are Messengers 

We fall apart

We all lose sight of Heaven

But still Your love is chasing us

We're so much more than flesh and blood 

We are made in the image of God

Knowing that Jesus was fully God and fully human, and that while I have the Holy Spirit, I'm still only human. I've been looking more and more at the scriptures and I see the times when Jesus also had doubts and worries and fears and didn't always fully share things. 

Anyways, I've thought about all of these things before. But this is one of the first times someone outside of myself I feel like gave me permission to just...be a human. Sometimes I don't realize I'm waiting for permission until someone gives it to me and they unknowingly did that for me the other day. 

I'm human. 

Pillars of Discernment

I have identified nuance and curiosity as the pillars of discernment, particularly as I go into the year. I reached out to one of my favorite persons a while back and said I wanted to start talking about politics with them. They are someone I not only love so dearly, but also are so thoughtful, kind, and smart! 

I've also been mulling over the thought I don't know that we can legislate nuance. I kind of wonder if that's what America (the world?) has been trying to do with so many things. Not just in laws and policies, but in the workplace as well. Any and all areas of our lives, actually. I've also thought about how when something isn't talked about, we don't have to be confronted with thinking about it. In essence--we can avoid the nuance.  We don't have to be curious. But when things are talked about--such as legislative and political ideologies--it forces people to feel like they have to take a strong position.

And I've been thinking more and more about how much more difficult it is to try to avoid the nuance--and to not recognize the scope of so many policies at micro, mezzo, and macro level at so many junctures is unwise. And taking a firm stance without curiosity is dangerous. I suppose some could take the stance that taking a "weak" stance is just as dangerous--but I don't think it's weak. I think it's...well, using discernment with the guiding lights of nuance and curiosity. It's being willing to traverse the nuance; live in the tension. Be in the colorful world of dichotomies. It's both/and, not either/or. And it's CONFUSING and it can lead to cognitive dissonance. Also, this isn't to say to NOT take a stance. It's just to understand how you got to that stance and to understand why not another one. As The Pour Over wrote, "it's easy to become angry and indignant over world events, but much more difficult to live with the tension of desiring change while simultaneously loving everyone involved. Followers of Christ are called to live in that tension..."

What I think is more important than WHAT decision someone has arrived at is HOW did you get to that decision? Why not another decision? What would it be like for you to be on the other side? For me, if I notice I get immediately judgemental about "being on the other side" (E.g. How could they think that?! They are so dumb. I can't believe they would think that's a good idea.), I've learned that the feeling is actually, more likely, scared. And then I can explore that. Why am I scared of that? What am I scared of? What's that like? Recognizing the nuances and then getting curious is crucial (and awkward and hard and brave).

Adam Grant and Brene Brown are two of my absolute favorite thought leaders and leadership examples (of people I don't know but so want to), especially surrounding these ideas.

As Adam Grant says in Think Again, "I need time for my confusion. Confusion can be a cue that there's new territory to be explored or a fresh puzzle to be solved." And Brene Brown writes (Atlas of the Heart), "...but with curiosity, we've acknowledged a gap in what we know or understand, and our heart and head are both invested in closing that gap...choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn't be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort." 

And Brene and Adam both remind us that "as consumers of information, we have a role to play in embracing a more nuanced point of view....there's nothing more limiting than tapping out of tension and oversimplifying the thoughts and feelings that have the power to help us understand who we are and what we need."

Regarding cognitive dissonance, I remember when I first learned that term and I was awestruck. Cognitive dissonance is "a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other." Again, with the word tension. Again, with the nuance. And again, with the need for discernment and safety and grace and truth. 

I love the way Brene Brown writes about dissonance: "Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity....in these challenging moments of dissonance, we need to stay curious and resist choosing comfort over courage. It's brave to invite new information to the table, to sit with it and hear it out. It's also rare these days." AND THEN SHE QUOTES ADAM GRANT(!!) who wrote, "Intelligence is traditionally viewed as the ability to think and learn. Yet in a turbulent world, there's another set of cognitive skills that might matter more: the ability to rethink and relearn".

Brene Brown also talks about the word "paradox" and apparently the Latin term paradoxum means "seemingly absurd but really true" and that "embracing the paradox teaches us how to think deeper and with more complexity...it moves us away from oversimplifying how systems, organizations, and humans work. 

(Seriously, this post didn't mean to be a plug for them, but they really are brilliant and thoughtful. And seem like amazing human beings. Who I want to know.) (Also, I started writing this BEFORE I read her book and had only barely started reading Adam's. It just all lines up so well. Also, can this mean I'm brilliant and thoughtful since my thoughts were in alignment with theirs? Jokes. But I do aspire to be more like them. But myself. Okay, I'm totally digressing.)

The point is. Navigating the tension of nuance by being curious can lead to being discerning. There is so much I don't know and the more I learn, the more I learn how much I don't know. And, beyond that, the more I think about various topics (especially pertaining to politics, policies, and laws), the more I'm like...I don't know. But I want to keep traversing, keep wading into the tension, and keep learning with safe people so I can better discern what's the most right. It doesn't mean I am right, but it's that I better understand where I'm landing for now. And that helps me stay curious when other people are landing in a different spot.